A bit of a shout. (looksofine) wrote,
A bit of a shout.

I don't care who you've won. I know in the end, you had your fun.

The weekend with Ashley was great, however that's not the key subject I would like to address here. Rather, I'd like to tell a sad story of a girl with a selfless heart of beauty and a boy who found a way to crumble that in his hand.

[DISCLAMER: Do not expect formal writing.]

As most of you probably all know, I've been rather down about Eddie lately. He had been failing to contact me about ANYTHING, not even his work schedule or a simple how-do-ya-do. It had hurt me mainly because this was right after I had given my body to him, let him violate my temple. Every other guy in the past has done the same thing, but Eddie had promised me he was different. And you know what, he genuinely had me fooled.

Like I was sharing last weekend, I gave myself up. Fell desperately into this world of idealist's fantasies and ideas, even warmed up to the notion that I was finally in a serious, secure relationship. Everything felt right in his arms. Even when I dropped him off at work the next morning, I was swollen with a sense of confidence and self-love. I was so empowered with that idea that everything would be all right.

Well, despite my intimate, beautiful words I sent to him and the time and patience I was applying to him, I was getting no response. Today would make the one week marker of how long I wouldn't have heard from him. However, I was beginning to get upset, so I made a little impromptu visit to him at work. Sure enough, I saw his car outside so I casually walked inside to what was going on.

I strolled right up to the front of the store; Eddie was right at the front greeting customers. There was no enthusiasm, and eery discomfort, and a really fucking shitty distance. However, I tried very hard to keep my cool and I approached him.

"So where have you been lately?"
"Is that all you expect me to believe?"
[Of course, no response from him.]
[I remove myself from the conversation.]

Over the course of the next 5 minutes, I had the most raging emotions of anger, disbelief, sadness, and heartbreak. I wanted to CASTRATE him. [Or at least punch his fucking lights out, which I fully intended on doing had Ashley not stopped me.] God. It was a huge disappointment for the whole male gender; Another one of your members has successfully ditched a perfectly amazing girl on the curb after 'getting a piece of ass.' Excuse me guys, but I fail to believe that any of you ever again when you say you're different. In my experience, I've learned the hard way that you're all the fucking same.

And so aside from all the negativity surrounding him, I've felt incredibly down about myself. For some reason, I feel that there was something I did to receive this treatment. After all, Eddie's not upset about this obviously, but me, well I'm drowning. And all because I finally met someone who SAID they meant their words.

I'm still accepting the whole situation. I'm going through a denial, a regret, a pain, and a rage right now. Watch out: girl amok. All I know is that this is going to be the last time my dignity isn't taken with the respect it deserves. I will not, repeat, WILL NOT allow this to ever happen to me again...

And by the way: Fuck you, Eddie.
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