Honestly, I need the sleep but I can't stop dwelling on the fact that I may be in a relationship of unrequited love. I can't look at how he was 2 nights ago and believe that he was the same when I saw him today. I've said it in the past, and I'll say it again. I fucking hate love.
As I was telling Ariel earlier, I'm never going to get married for the simple fact that no one will ever fall in love with me. Sure, I'm easy to grasp and hold gentle adorations, but that will never be offered in return. I can dream of the security marriage would bring me, but what good would it do? It would get my hopes up, nothing more nothing less.
I just wish I didn't have to lie in my bed and smell his scent on my blankets, on my clothes. Those aromas taunt me; They say, "You gave yourself up before you got any." And with all I want to do to fight them, I'm helpless. I simply get my ass online to see if he's here. [Which he's not.]
When will someone see my worth and delight my fancy with the simple TRUTH that I am worth it? Worth anything, everything. I'm SPECIAL. For gods sake, I'm not asking for a lifetime, your soul, or a new design to explore. I just want you, raw and bare, Self against my own, dripping and tight.
And I hate following you because my mother always told me that playing hard to get was the only way to get what you wanted.
This time I'm not going to say that I'm not trying to sound obsessive or infatuated or head over heels, because damn it, I fucking am. I'm in love with the mere thought of being cared for somewhere out there, being held on a pedestal in pride...
God Eddie, why the hell do you have to be so candy [my downfall]?
Melts in my mouth 'til he's nothing at all.
I'm giving up. My end is done for. Perhaps my mother was right; I'll just continue existing and someone worthy will come to me. I need to stop chasing someone who's far too out of my league.