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A bit of a shout.

[ website | *Chicks With a Cause [CWAC] ]
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(1 *pour éprouver l'excès%%mc-plural-*%% | Entertain the notion!)

[01 Sep 2002|10:49pm]
This is a note to everyone who reads my journal:

Due to some recent circumstance and the necessity of brutal honestly, I've switched journals. I am now Live Journal user Otherworldly and yes, the journal is Friends Only.

I'm sorry it finally had to come to this, but I feel that it's the best choice. If you're interested in reading from my new journal, let me know and I'll see what I can do about adding you.

Thank you.

(4 *pour éprouver l'excès%%mc-plural-*%% | Entertain the notion!)

Crazy for you: [31 Aug 2002|09:54am]
It's August 31, 2002.
It's the day of the first official meeting of Chicks With a Cause.

I'm not nervous, per se, but I feel unprepared, like there's something I should be doing but have forgotten. [I suppose that's normal] However, I'm going to Ariel's soon to make the female cookies and bake a little something else that SHALL remain nameless. [Trust me on this one, it's top secret.] Hopefully I'll get my Brandon Boyd tattoo done before the meeting, as well. Because we all know that tattoos make things so much easier to endure. Heh. :> Other than that, it's a pretty basic day! Not much excitement is going to take place, but I DO have a visit from Erin to anticipate. Not to mention the extra special time I get to spend with my girls. -Assorted warm, fuzzy emotions- It should be a good day! After the meeting's done, we're all going to celebrate at Denny's, and then we're going out to a dance club to enjoy ourselves. Honestly, this should be awesome. I'm really looking forward to the day.

And I'm hoping to shed a little truth onto the OTHER party involved in my dilemma. It's time for one extra special chick to stand her ground and make her statement against a male. And trust me, this will be something I will never forget.

Never ever.

Take care, everyone! Send some good vibes to Springfield, Illinois at roughly 7 p.m. central standard time. Please?

Peace like a river.

(Entertain the notion!)

VERY ENTHRALLING NEWS: [30 Aug 2002|09:34pm]
NiceToKnowYou

October 13, 2002
7:30 PM in Champaign, Illinois
Section B-23 / Row 5


This calls for celebration.
Excuse me whilst I hyperventilate and scream 'Woot' manically.

(Entertain the notion!)

[29 Aug 2002|04:48pm]
There was once
This Girl
who clung to my
keenest memories and
rode the waves.
She was a sharp little chick;
Someone with piercing
deliberate notions and a
real flair for the arts.
A brunette she was,
tall as if to take the stars
and plant them in my eyes.
I've caught the vibe
that she sees me as
Just So,
never an outburst of flattery
or grace,
but rather the one to turn to
for support and dreams,
not foreign fantasies.
But hey,
I still think this girl is
amazing,
and
though I'm far too short to
plant stars in her eyes
or far too lackadaisical
to create sparkling art for
her vision to catch,
I can at least still sit back
in the woodwork
and write poems about
how much impact
she's made on my thoughts.

Sometimes it's better that way.

(2 *pour éprouver l'excès%%mc-plural-*%% | Entertain the notion!)

[29 Aug 2002|02:32pm]
I want to take A Moment to speak.
About what, you ask?
Nothing.
[This is the beauty in solitude.]

God I'm lonely.

(7 *pour éprouver l'excès%%mc-plural-*%% | Entertain the notion!)

Getting off, getting off while they are all downstairs: [27 Aug 2002|08:56pm]
I have no energy to type. Each finger I lift is heavier than the last, so updates are going to be brief. School was mundane; My school picture is going to look ever-so-blah. I fell asleep three times at school and had to go to work immediately after school. No nap. Heavy eyes. Did a lot of pull down and chatted about the total degrade of humanity that is the male gender with one of my managers, Stephanie. I had a nice time, even if I did have to wear my uniform for the first time today.

Hm. Pretty good year.

Downloaded and made 'Under the Pink' finally and ordered a Tori Video from '92 at work. [I don't know what to expect, I just know TO expect.]

I'm irritable, and I'm hoping this is due to premenstrual syndrome. It's not normal to be this touchy. Ariel, we need to set the plans for this Friday. And after the CWAC meeting, we are going out to eat to celebrate. [Anyone else who wants to come is welcome.] Erin, I'm missing you. Had incredibly warm thoughts of you today.

Eddie, I've melted in your mouth until I'm nothing at all. Does that make you smile or sob?

Oh, and anyone who gets The State Journal Register, check out page 11. [The Voice section.] My friend Roy Pyers made the front! Rock on for him and The Phoenix Center.

I'm tired, but alas must write, study, and prepare for Chemistry. Blah. Tiffany Charlotta es muy ... tired.

=(

(5 *pour éprouver l'excès%%mc-plural-*%% | Entertain the notion!)

He scrapes his nails with a stick. [26 Aug 2002|08:37pm]
I've been going through this radical intellectual whirl of delight today. The day started off terribly [due to the fact that my Auto Cad teacher CANNOT TEACH], but I bounced right back into things with my Controversial Ethics class. It's so stimulating; Lately all we've been doing is delving into the facts surrounding simple propositions and the parts of arguments, but the challenge, the drive I get when I learn is captivating. It's inspired me not only to design my own philosophies and ideas, but to explore those of others, as well.

For the past couple of hours, I've been reading my recently purchased philosophy book. When I bought it, I had assumed it was generic and simply written, but oh was I wrong. This is the first book I've read that I've taken NOTES on, and actually studies up on the notes. All in all, I feel more accomplished, though. I absolutely love learning about this subject, I could never ever learn too much about it.

I'm particularly intrigued with the concept of Epistemology. It's like one can catch all the daily 'bullshit' he/she thought was uncontrollable fluff. Instead, it's as if a person can have control over the ignorance, be on top of every word taken in. Now to me, that's invigorating. It makes Truth seem that much more attainable.

And reading into the belief systems of some major names, I've found that I have this huge opposition to the theories of Hedonism. For one, British philosophers have nothing in comparison to the general majority of Ancient Grecian thinkers. Though their fantasies are passionate and well-versed, I just have this passive voice nagging me at me constantly about how they are nothing more than black and white idealism. It's sort of like Marxism: Looks good on paper, looks TERRIBLE and CHAOTIC on Society. I respect the general nature of the ideas, sure, but I can't agree with them. Hands down.

Oh, and if anyone has time, check out the following: Socrates, Aristotle, Epicurus, & Epictetus. Trust me. I wouldn't reccomend them if I didn't back up their words 100%. Definitely some good reading.

Other than the exploration of thought, I've done nothing. Well, I did get the back of my hair all layered and chopped, but nothing new there. I've got to work virtually every night this week, so things are going to be kind of hectic around here. Drop me a line, all of you.

I like reminders that my fellow soul-searchers are alive and well.

Gratitude: Knowledge, Seeing Truth, and jeans that fit and bring forth that right amount of security and assurity.

(Entertain the notion!)

[26 Aug 2002|06:33am]
"And when my hand touches myself,
I can finally rest my head.
And when they say take from his body,
I think I'll take from mine instead."


- Tori Amos, "Icicle"

(6 *pour éprouver l'excès%%mc-plural-*%% | Entertain the notion!)

I don't care who you've won. I know in the end, you had your fun. [25 Aug 2002|06:21pm]
The weekend with Ashley was great, however that's not the key subject I would like to address here. Rather, I'd like to tell a sad story of a girl with a selfless heart of beauty and a boy who found a way to crumble that in his hand.

[DISCLAMER: Do not expect formal writing.]

As most of you probably all know, I've been rather down about Eddie lately. He had been failing to contact me about ANYTHING, not even his work schedule or a simple how-do-ya-do. It had hurt me mainly because this was right after I had given my body to him, let him violate my temple. Every other guy in the past has done the same thing, but Eddie had promised me he was different. And you know what, he genuinely had me fooled.

Like I was sharing last weekend, I gave myself up. Fell desperately into this world of idealist's fantasies and ideas, even warmed up to the notion that I was finally in a serious, secure relationship. Everything felt right in his arms. Even when I dropped him off at work the next morning, I was swollen with a sense of confidence and self-love. I was so empowered with that idea that everything would be all right.

Well, despite my intimate, beautiful words I sent to him and the time and patience I was applying to him, I was getting no response. Today would make the one week marker of how long I wouldn't have heard from him. However, I was beginning to get upset, so I made a little impromptu visit to him at work. Sure enough, I saw his car outside so I casually walked inside to what was going on.

I strolled right up to the front of the store; Eddie was right at the front greeting customers. There was no enthusiasm, and eery discomfort, and a really fucking shitty distance. However, I tried very hard to keep my cool and I approached him.

"So where have you been lately?"
"Working."
"Is that all you expect me to believe?"
[Of course, no response from him.]
[I remove myself from the conversation.]

Over the course of the next 5 minutes, I had the most raging emotions of anger, disbelief, sadness, and heartbreak. I wanted to CASTRATE him. [Or at least punch his fucking lights out, which I fully intended on doing had Ashley not stopped me.] God. It was a huge disappointment for the whole male gender; Another one of your members has successfully ditched a perfectly amazing girl on the curb after 'getting a piece of ass.' Excuse me guys, but I fail to believe that any of you ever again when you say you're different. In my experience, I've learned the hard way that you're all the fucking same.

And so aside from all the negativity surrounding him, I've felt incredibly down about myself. For some reason, I feel that there was something I did to receive this treatment. After all, Eddie's not upset about this obviously, but me, well I'm drowning. And all because I finally met someone who SAID they meant their words.

I'm still accepting the whole situation. I'm going through a denial, a regret, a pain, and a rage right now. Watch out: girl amok. All I know is that this is going to be the last time my dignity isn't taken with the respect it deserves. I will not, repeat, WILL NOT allow this to ever happen to me again...

And by the way: Fuck you, Eddie.

(3 *pour éprouver l'excès%%mc-plural-*%% | Entertain the notion!)

I cry when angels deserve to die: [24 Aug 2002|08:45am]
Breath in, breath out.
Do you smell the serenity?

Hm. Been relatively calm, though I find that it's hard to keep Eddie out of mind. [And we all know that when Eddie enters the thoughts, he's reluctant to leave.] I'm having a hard time letting go, but I suppose the whole process is going to make me an overall better person in the end.

Doesn't make it any easier now.

On another note, I've got a whole day planned out with Ashley! We're going to take the approach of being pushed by the wind, not restricting what we end up doing by something as feeble as PLANS. =) I'm excited to see where our adventure takes us.

I bought two System of a Down albums; Been rocking out hardcore lately.

Oh, and the week's countdown to Meeting One has begun. Since school has started, I've recruited a lot of new faces for the group, many of which I thing will definitely make a huge impact on the direction of the group. However, Miss Tiffany still has no format, so even though we will have an ideal group of people there, we'll have no direction. LOL. I assume things will work themselves out. I'm not too worried. Note to self: Get copies of two forms made out and set up a day with Ariel to make the cookies.

Oh well, back to my SOAD-induced mood land. =)

Gratitude: Girls with innocent, bright blue eyes & antique sculptures of mice.

(2 *pour éprouver l'excès%%mc-plural-*%% | Entertain the notion!)

I want to kill this waitress... [22 Aug 2002|09:27pm]
I tasted my intuitive freedom again today; Glistening and renewed, it took shape as a humid night and a long white bohemian skirt. [Chosen particularly for the way it looks when I dance.] The night air was heavy with emotion, tears laughs and rolling body, while the sky brewed up plans of its own for the direction this evening was to take. [Bright lights, sound effects, and action!] A small rabbit was relatively close to my feet; I bent down near on my knees and crept upon it, but my presence was overwhelming. I noted it was making attempts to disappear, but I was gliding after it. Through determination, I never got to touch it, but I was always close enough to watch. Spectacular, I say. Absolutely inspiring.

Amidst the academic process I was in today, I made a new friend. She's a girl I'd noticed in the past, quite a lot actually, but never understood. Perhaps it was the mystery surrounding her feature that made me so compelled to speak to her today, but whatever it is, I'm sure as hell glad I did. We skipped the whole process of small talk and immediately went for the big guns. But you know, it was one of the most refreshing things I'd done in awhile. Hearing her philosophies, connecting them with my own, simply relating was this far-out, euphoric thing today. I learned a lot. Accomplished something. Had a damn good time while doing it! Isn't it just amazing that the most unsuspecting people can somehow have their titles warped into an endearing person? It's a very warm feeling, very warm indeed.

So either way, she and I drove around for most of the afternoon, our faces glowing, bodies hot from the pre-post summer sun, but our smiles radiating above all else. The world outside the windows was irrelevant. The addictive words we shared took the wheel, bringing us to these psychedelic destinations. After a minor water and orange juice break, I took her home. But needless to say, I had a rad time. Hoping this can be a potential companion in the future!

Other than that, I've been thinking/getting hyped about Homecoming for some odd reason. I generally don't care entirely too much about school dances, but this year I have this feeling that it's going to be great! With Miss Ariel as my date [Complete in suit and fedora!] and my newfound confidence in carelessness, I just have a slight notion that it's all gonna' work out this year. Everything's going to be all right.

Gratitude: Passive lightening bolts that appear subtly from behind clouds and iced animal crackers.

(1 *pour éprouver l'excès%%mc-plural-*%% | Entertain the notion!)

[22 Aug 2002|01:46am]
backlit x canopy: "True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing."
SocialPhenomena: what does that mean to you?
backlit x canopy: The way I view it is that by knowing you know 'nothing,' you've always got an empty plate to fill. Your mind evolves with knowledge; That is the full course meal.
backlit x canopy: : And by constantly going up for 'seconds', you're going to not only be well rounded, but everchanging.
backlit x canopy: And that, my friend, is beautiful.
SocialPhenomena: word
backlit x canopy: Fuckin' right. ;)

(Entertain the notion!)

[21 Aug 2002|11:44pm]
In the Height of His Existence
[For Him]

August 21, 2002

Ones that elevate their
post-heightened glory
generally flaunt what was
previous,
future muttering words
of regret.
I think of his body,
manifested and multiplied
by one thousand and two
foreign cocoons of idea;
My hands glides slowly
over that formerly fancied figment
like rain on a rooftop.
In the height of his existence,
I released generosity and
the power of redefinition,
forceful intent
brewing overhead.

No, this was Clean.

Corruption followed
a society's downfall,
but it was Us that created
the essence of perfection
in one single drop,
sliding between our joint hands;
Liquid like melodic
antique
windchimes.
No friction or dissent,
not one single heartbeat
escaped the moment.

Wild forensic ways beating
heavily into our Little Town,
and the tangents of a former ideal
are being crushed like
shattered porcelain
under heavy foot.
When did we discover
that light was forever sheltered
by the innocence?
Why wasn't
it earlier?

And like
plastic babydoll barrettes,
I can't help but mourn what
beauty I used to occupy.

xo

(10 *pour éprouver l'excès%%mc-plural-*%% | Entertain the notion!)

You bet your life it Is. [21 Aug 2002|09:58pm]
This is a meager, desperate attempt at doing something for the sake of my own vanity. You see, today I took the time to straighten my hair [And if you know me in person, you know that I have VERY wavy, thick hair that can take up to three hours to get straightened out.] I made the mistake of pulling it back for dinner, however two pictures were taken while it was straight. I wanted someone to see the pictures, so I'm going to put them in my journal. Ta. Vanity at its finest.


I got some credit in the straight world.Collapse )

(3 *pour éprouver l'excès%%mc-plural-*%% | Entertain the notion!)

Past the mission, behind the prison towers: [21 Aug 2002|02:46pm]
Compilations dance
despite these hands
[opening lotus buds]
drenched in impurities.

6:30 am. Awake, present, and unable to comprehend the day. I was going to be thrown into that ugly world that made my value depreciate only a year ago; I was going to school.

I doused myself in carelessness and reminders that this was a new year. This social hellhole would no longer be the creator of distance and alienation, but rather warm embrace and acceptance. It was my mission statement, my new philosophy to live by.

I felt very unpretty today. And perhaps it was because I generally was. My hair was unbrushed, small braids and my wild hippie waves framing my face around the collection in the back. I wore a black tee shirt, faded jeans. Ass kicking boots with purple shoe-laces. [A personal touch.] What I thought would be a wonderful cocoon actually warped into a world of insecurity. Oh lassitude. I survived and learned my lesson.

I was meshing well with Alana and Mallory, found comfort in their presence. There we were with our multi-coloured/strange/unique hair[styles] and black band tee shirts. Peas in a pod; I felt comfortable when I had their company.

But alone I was confident. Perhaps it's because I'm on top this year; There are many younger generations to watch grow and assist, help. I'm not the lower half of the food chain and I'm not on display to be torn apart and digested; I've got the respect!

But we got out at 10 this morning, so I can't say I've had the full course meal. (Just a little taste.) Tomorrow will definitely be more of a clue as to how my philosophy will work.

(4 *pour éprouver l'excès%%mc-plural-*%% | Entertain the notion!)

Raw emotion. [20 Aug 2002|11:12pm]
Fuck.
Honestly, I need the sleep but I can't stop dwelling on the fact that I may be in a relationship of unrequited love. I can't look at how he was 2 nights ago and believe that he was the same when I saw him today. I've said it in the past, and I'll say it again. I fucking hate love.

As I was telling Ariel earlier, I'm never going to get married for the simple fact that no one will ever fall in love with me. Sure, I'm easy to grasp and hold gentle adorations, but that will never be offered in return. I can dream of the security marriage would bring me, but what good would it do? It would get my hopes up, nothing more nothing less.

I just wish I didn't have to lie in my bed and smell his scent on my blankets, on my clothes. Those aromas taunt me; They say, "You gave yourself up before you got any." And with all I want to do to fight them, I'm helpless. I simply get my ass online to see if he's here. [Which he's not.]

When will someone see my worth and delight my fancy with the simple TRUTH that I am worth it? Worth anything, everything. I'm SPECIAL. For gods sake, I'm not asking for a lifetime, your soul, or a new design to explore. I just want you, raw and bare, Self against my own, dripping and tight.

And I hate following you because my mother always told me that playing hard to get was the only way to get what you wanted.

This time I'm not going to say that I'm not trying to sound obsessive or infatuated or head over heels, because damn it, I fucking am. I'm in love with the mere thought of being cared for somewhere out there, being held on a pedestal in pride...

Damn it.

God Eddie, why the hell do you have to be so candy [my downfall]?
Melts in my mouth 'til he's nothing at all.

I'm giving up. My end is done for. Perhaps my mother was right; I'll just continue existing and someone worthy will come to me. I need to stop chasing someone who's far too out of my league.

(Entertain the notion!)

God sometimes you just don't come through: [20 Aug 2002|08:22pm]
Non-collective updates:

+ Spent the day out with Ariel today. We went thrift shopping, hippie dancing, entertaining, and exploring. Just another average day in the joint life of these two girls, heh.

+ I finally ended up getting this Incubus shirt I've wanted for AGES now. I suppose I just finally had to force myself to fork up the money for it this time. Oh well, it's now mine and I intend on wearing it tomorrow.

+ Oh, and I finally got a new job. I'm now an official employee at Waldenbooks. I had the interview today; Was hired on the spot. The boss there is entirely too adorable. She's peppy, energetic, middle-aged, and 'hip,' for lack of better words. We had a unique interview process and fortunately it worked out fort the better! I start this Thursday and also work on Saturday. So mad props for making the cut and having the opportunity for more money in my pocket.

+School starts tomorrow. I refuse to elaborate until it's happened; As far as I'm concerning, tomorrow is going to be dedicated to the testing of my philosophy, delivering of my letters, and the wearing of my new shirt. More details tomorrow, I assure you.

+ Worry about relationships. Feeling of betrayal. But I won't misinterpret until I know the facts.

+ I'm getting highly worried about meeting one of CWAC now. I have no format whatsoever to go by, and I'm sort of going to be 'winging it.' [This is something Tiffany does NOT do well with.] If anyone has any plans on conducting the first meeting, please, I URGE you to let me know via CWAC email. [ Chicks_With_a_Cause@hotmail.com ] I'm desperate, can't you help a girl in need? =(


And now, more letter writing to my teachers.
See you on the radio. ;)

(Entertain the notion!)

Here's to the night we felt alive: [19 Aug 2002|09:58pm]
Tints of highlighted night adorn the air, and I can feel your feet tuck up under you because they were chilly. Mine are too, but I'm not moving because I would hate to disrupt our sacred purity. You know, you really should see your face at night as you sleep; It gets a careless sugarhoney smile to it, and your eyes relax from their snowblue state of being awake. I was ever so tempted to lean over to your ear and ask, "Did you assign the night to become to believably intense for me?" but of course I just continued thinking these thoughts to myself so I could continue to watch you in your world of innocence.

It helped me discover a great deal about progression, not only in annual increments, but in daily scales. What started as a painstakingly bittersweet beginning is now our own storybook faerytale. We can tell the world, and scream that such beauty can exist within a single set of moments. Look at our reality! No one helped to dictate its perfection but our own lovely persistence. [Which, might I add, has paid off in a most wonderful way.]

My notion of pretty adornment came when I enveloped you, took you in, and held you there in my arms. Calm. Thunder in the vague distance, rain pouring onto the window. We were ornaments to eachother, enhancing personal charisma with the presence we had to offer one another. The symbiosis of our locked eyes forced something extraordinary to happen; Our soul's unity was happening, streaming all around us in full blown colour. Screw delicacy; This was a newfound and pertinent energy.

Looking back, there's not one moment I regret, besides the obvious ones where I wasn't reminding you of my profound adoration. Vice versa. You've entered me in every aspect and now I ask:

So this is love?

(Entertain the notion!)

[19 Aug 2002|12:42pm]
Talk to me in your
honey-doused
Oh honey
darling
sigh,
and I'll pull you closer
and share our
heartbeats.

Endless.
Everpressing.
This is a revolution
of energy and grace.
We're creating something
tangible and unseen,
beauty's got a new face.

I new face I want to wake to each morning.

(Entertain the notion!)

[17 Aug 2002|03:27pm]
Frontier being cupped
inside my tiny hands,
your voice is urging
"More girl.
Push the limits."
And all I can think about is
Euphoria.

It's my
favourite aphrodisiac,
you know.

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